livejournal is down. so much for a private post. but i've gotta write something down. they teach you how to try to explain words like mad or angry to get at the root of the emotion behind it. but anger and at the very least major annoyance is all i have for me padre at this particular moment. not coming down this past weekend i can shrug off. or at least i told myself that. but to be hung out to dry like he did that i just found out about well that does anger me. ( anger dissapointment hurt being let down, doing it once is forgiveable right but making it a lifestyle thats just wrong ) whats worse is its like he predicts that said actions will cause adverse reactions in me. why do it then? and why make that all you do? ( and i hate saying that because its not an always) so lets say that the odds are within the 99th percentile that any action towards x will fall within the mean of my fathers self pitty, and then cause a reaction in me that is the very thing i despise. >_< i'm sorry it would have been better for him to have been a dead beat dad all my life then to turn from the plough at this point in my life. he picked the very time in my life that i would be headed off on my own in need of the emotional ties to keep me grounded in the totaly new enviroment. PLEASE GOD MAKE ME THE FATHER I THOUGHT HE WAS STRIVING TO BE NO I TAKE THAT BACK MAKE ME SO MUCH BETTER OF ONE let me be positive and supportive and let me keep the commitments i make. when i began to put this down i feared he might read it, but now i don't realy care either way. thats what i've had to aspire to not careing. why because if i did i would break. and im not going to give him that satisfaction. maybe all this is just a rant. but i've tried i've held out the the olive branch. and its still there now he's just going to have to pick it up. i truely am tired of taking the initiative. that $20 bucks i invested in trying to include him in my life could have gone towards buying one of my books this semester. he sure enough didnt help out. and so i hear he's got a lady friend. well i hope she doesnt want him to do anything for her. because he can barely support himself and he doesnt even have time to spend with all three of his offspring. hmm i wonder who will have to get the boot for him to have room in his life to have another relationship. because all the room set aside kenny doesnt leave much room for anyone else. and you knoe the only time i've confronted him with anything since i've been away at college was to say that i thought he should be nicer to my lil sister. oh and did he ever jump on my case about it. not to mention hers. and he wants so bad to repair the relationship he had with his father. and to repair the one his grandfather has with us. well sorry no dice. and he wants to yell at my mother for doing things to sabatoge our relationship with him. well maybe he'd be suprised to knoe that every instance that i've tried to reconcile has been at her suggestion. now i don't have it as bad off as some of my friends. but grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it almost brings me to swearing. and i don't swear. ever! i just want to say **** OFF. i'm not going to say it though. i've put God through alot and he's always been there for me. so the hope for a relationship is there. but if he wants to continue to believe the lie he's sold to himself then may God show him grace on the day of judgement.

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